Monday, 25 July 2011

Nightclubs. WHY?

Being a bastion of journalistic credibility (read: useless), Science Be Damned! will be continuing it's series of things we find to be utterly mundane in the name of entertaining, but mostly educating, our disloyal audience (which may even be in double digits soon -- take THAT grandma!) on things that stupid people like so that you may be fortunate enough to avoid these mouth-breathers if you ever encounter them.

We will continue by looking at an institution that has become a regular part of idiot society: nightclubs.


Seriously, western society, for all your advancements in technology and science, you somehow let this one slip by you.

Now, for those of you unclear as to why Science Be Damned! would target something as banal to criticise as nightclubs when we have bad reality television shows, Michael Bay films and overused memes as a more relevent target, let's lay out the groundwork.

To begin, you spend ridiculous amounts of money (anecdotally, I've met dozens of peons that spend almost all of their paycheck on "going on gear") to buy sweatshop produced clothing so you can not just fit in, but MEET A DRESS CODE (hey I know another establishment that only allows members that dress a certain way -- the Klu Klux Klan.) Then you spend even MORE money styling your hair (for those that haven't thought too hard about this, those are the tinted carbon fibers that grow out of your scalp), and in womens' sake (and embarassingly enough, some mens') buying and wearing makeup that is basically made up of powdered or liquid turd. So there's a bit of spending involved, not any worse than, say, cosplaying or something though, right? It get's worse.

You then spend up to HOURS waiting in a line to get into an establishment that you need to pay even MORE money to get into, because nothing says "good night out" like standing around like a
doofus and paying to enter a building. Well, it'd have to be a pretty special building, like one that fellates you upon
entry, right? WRONG.

You pay money to enter this building to listen to extremely loud music. Not something like a one-time-only never to be heard again musical set, but music you hear EVERY DAY on the radio. Well, at least it's familiar right, you can pound a brew or ten to your fave music right? WRONG AGAIN.

You wait and pay to enter a building to listen to the same shitty music you hear every day at work, and then have to wait a ridiculously long time AGAIN for an
alcoholic beverage that on average will cost you 400% more than if you had just gone to a liquor store for. Great stuff so far, why all of this trouble? To apparently socialize. Despite the fact that the music is too loud to ACTUALLY HAVE A

You may argue, 'I go clubbing to dance,' in which case I'll disrespectfully disagree and tell you, 'no you fucking don't.' I've never seen anybody in a nightclub do anything beyond shuffle in random directions or try to grind against women who are "attractive" (and I do use the term almost as loosely as the descriptions of the vaginal tracts of aforemtioned women.) You don't dance, if you really wanted to dance, you'd be in musical theatre or at a concert, you're just there to be a douchebag.

You may also rebutt, 'I go there to meet girls,' in which case I'll laugh at your inherent need to hit on intoxicated, inebriated attention whores mesmerised by loud music and waiting to be date raped. Bravo, Fabio, you're a smoothe operator.

If you're a nightclub goer, please, for me, punch yourself. Really hard. Do it twice if you're one of those incessant toss-buckets who frequents the same one every weekend. You all should be sterilized.


  1. lol! good post! i hate night clubs too!

  2. While i share some points with you, i believe you are a bit harsh and extreme. Great read though.

  3. Yeah few clubs are for dancing.. The ones that actually got a dancefloor! I never attend clubs with entrance fee or face control for the reasons you sited above. Nice post

  4. Most girls in dance clubs are sluts, ugly, or drunk. Who wants that?

  5. @Anonymous. Nobody does, that stuff sucks..

  6. great post mate... +followed

  7. they are fine in my opinion if you find one that is not as popular or don't live in a huge city :) +follow love the extreme thought!